Can't believe it's been nearly a year already since my dad passed away, and that he won't be around this Father's Day. Although, to be honest, he wasn't around much period while his five kids were growing up, and made no secret of the fact that he had zero interest in parenting. (In case you think I'm exaggerating, each one of my siblings grew up being told that he would leave as soon as they turned 16, and he finally made good on his promise when my turn as the youngest came around.) In spite of this, three of my siblings and I had made some sort of peace with him before he died, and accepted his lack of involvement in our lives as something that wasn't to be taken too personally. A good role model for being a father he wasn't, but it could have been worse.
So with Father's Day around the corner (tomorrow!), and my post on mothering just behind me, I thought I'd take some time and continue talking about parenting. If, as I argued in my previous post, mothering is a role we don't really value, then fathering is a role valued even less. Sure, we pay lip service to the idea of celebrating the role of fatherhood, but even the holiday itself isn't emphasized as much as its counterpart.
Understandable, as regrettably, raising the next generation is still often thought of as women's work. Consider again that most men won't have to figure out how they'll combine work with child rearing, won't get asked how they'll accomplish that feat, and won't have to deal with the consequences of taking time out of the labour force to raise their kids if that's their choice. But that career comes first for men is still a given for most.
As I also stated in the mothering post, the qualities of being a good parent -- nurturing, protecting, guiding, etc., are not, in my opinion, gender specific, and I think it's a shame that we've allowed outdated stereotypes to determine parenting roles. I've long felt that a mature and healthy adult is, for example, strong and sensitive, caring and assertive, rational and warm, empathetic and independent, and to label any of those traits as either masculine or feminine is both silly and limiting.
In that sense, I don't think a child needs both a mother and a father as claimed by those who champion traditional family values, as much as they need an adult in their lives who has the full range of qualities that every grown-up should have. Where it's helpful to have two adults involved in child-rearing is that it lessens the load, and hopefully provides a role model of what a positive relationship can look like. But whether those two adults are of the same gender or not is irrelevant, and I can tell you from personal experience that my own particular family would have been much better off if it had been "broken" far sooner.
And if mothering and fathering doesn't get the status it deserves among humans, then the industrial agricultural complex pretty much strips any status for other species. No respect is given to the natural bonds of motherhood and fatherhood, and parenthood is only valued if it benefits humans. Think puppy mills, zoos, aquariums, and of course all the victims considered food animals. A depressing thought indeed.
So once again I want to end with a reference to two of my favourite human dads, who daily give me hope, and who beautifully illustrate what fatherhood could and should be all about. :)
Hi Friend,
So sorry to hear that your father was not present for you when you were growing up and beyond. By now you know that I do not have fond feelings for the man who called me his father. He demanded respect from us rather than trying to earn it. He was domineering, cruel, unloving, demanding, physically and emotionally abusive to us, our mother and nonhuman animal companions.....And yet he could be kind on occasion. I could never understand this. Knowing that he could be kind made me feel guilty about hating him until my daughter and sister both said to me that he was a bad man who occasionally did good things. This still did not make him a good man. I felt strangely better after that.
The way we view fatherhood in this society can be strange. I am a child of the fifties, a time in which there were very strict rules about who did what in the family. So, I am not sure how much this has affected our current view of mothering and fathering. I do know that my husband did many more things with and for our children than his own father and that my son in law is involved much more in his children's lives than his own father was.
This may be a function of both parents working outside the home in today's oh so busy society-the chores, duties and responsibilities simply have to be divided more equitably. But I do think the attitude that raising the kids is the mother's job will take a little longer to change.
As to whether or not a mother's love is in thought and deed deeper than that of a father's, I have no clue! I had a terrible father and am not a father myself. I watched and benefitted from the love of my mother and I know how much I love my own kids.
I am reading a book entitled, "When Elephants Weep" by Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson. It is about the emotional lives of other species. In it he gives examples of fatherly love from marmosets, owl monkeys, beavers and the kiwi, ranging from slight to intense devotion. He states that this occurs about ten percent of the time. Humans are animals. Where we fit in and how we fit in to this equation is a mystery to me. Certainly many more than ten percent of human fathers love their children deeply and care for them and would protect them with their own lives.
No question that using nonhumans for our own purposes in the cruelest of ways deprives them of the right to live in emotional freedom, to love their families, to choose how to love and rear their own children. What we as species are doing to our brethren is unconscionable.
Many thanks for posting.
Anne
I "knew" it was Esther's dads!!! :) ... I had to think back over the years to make sure I'm not wrong about this and I don't think I am. The only family of non-human animals that I've ever personally witnessed with both mother, father and babies are the sheep at the place I visit that I've mentioned before. And while the babies did used to more often than not stay closer to their mother, they definitely are close with their father too and you can really see that they're a little family who love each other. They aren't living a natural life by any means, but at least they weren't ripped apart when the babies were just-born or younger. Seeing them together is a special thing and I'm glad for them that they have each other. :)
Great post. You will likely enjoy the writing about this topic over on the VINE sanctuary blog. (http://blog.bravebirds.org/archives/1394)
Fathering...Mothering...it's tricky stuff. My sisters thought our father was terrific...I had a more ambivalent take on him.
Your post made me think of the title of a book by Bruno Bettelheim...it's called "A Good Enough Parent"...maybe that's the best we can hope for and anything beyond that is a gift.
Most relationships are not "terrific" and in the end...parenting is about being in a relationship...one of unequal power. That's the kind of thing we human animals seem to have serious difficulties with...at least in Euro-American societies.
Like I said...parenting is tricky stuff.