By age twelve I had already decided that motherhood wasn't for me, in part because I didn't want to risk subjecting a child to the same kind of screwed-up childhood I was experiencing myself. Imagine my surprise then when decades later I've ended up doing a form of mothering anyway, in a classic case of role reversal with my aging mom. And while there are challenges to taking care of a parent who didn't particularly take good care of you, there are rewards as well. These include closure, working through unresolved issues, grieving a relationship that never was, and providing the kind of nurturing and caring that my younger self craved but didn't receive enough of. And as odd as it may sound, providing this kind of care for someone else is self-nurturing too. I can even see how having had my own kids may have speeded up this healing process, although biologically it's too late for that now. Which isn't to glamorize or minimize any of the hard work involved in taking care of a living being, whether they're eight months old, or eighty-eight years.
But while today celebrates the role of mothering, I would argue that it's a role we don't really value. We don't define it particularly well, or even give much thought as to whether we should take it on. Folk who opt out of parenthood are often characterized as being selfish and shallow, whereas those who don't give it a second thought, who automatically assume that that's what people do, are lauded as being unselfish and giving. Never mind overpopulation and the various environmental implications. This isn't to say that no one should have kids, but that anyone contemplating having them ought to give serious thought as to the consequences, because not doing so is the actual selfish and shallow act. Parenting, in my view, should be thought of as a privilege rather than a right, and with rights come responsibilities.
Because what other enterprise in our society is as unregulated, unlicensed and unreviewed? Do anything else -- drive a car, buy a gun (in itself an insane act, in my opinion), or enter any number of professions -- and you'll likely need a licence or at least some form of training. But become a parent, and hey, no demonstration of skills or aptitude required. Parenting has to be one of the least paperless activities around, even though it's purported to be the most difficult task there is. Hmmm.
And as for value, what do we pay people to be parents? To prepare the next generation to become responsible and model citizens? What is this most important work worth? Then compare that to what we pay hockey players, basketball stars, actors, CEO's, and whatever redeeming title you can manage to come up with for anyone whose last name is Kardashian, and it boggles the mind.
What about all the shelters, programs and services set up for domestic abuse victims? Women and children mainly, although men fall prey as well at times. Take Back The Night has been around forever it seems, and the stats on sexual assault don't appear to be dropping either. So if we value the labour of women when it comes to raising kids so much, why don't we take the man out of the home and off of the street when violence occurs rather than forcing the woman to flee?
And what of this role called mothering? What does it mean to be a mother? We don't spell it out clearly enough methinks, but to my mind mothering involves nurturing, raising, protecting, teaching, guiding, caring, playing, helping, mentoring, setting a good example and being an effective role model.
What about fathering? Not a term we hear as often as mothering, but surely it also means protecting, raising, caring, guiding, nurturing, helping, setting a good example, teaching, playing and being an effective mentor and role model. Notice that all of these attributes are shared by both male and female parents, although unfortunately the onus is still on mothers to do the lion's share of raising kids. Because when are men ever asked, for example, how they'll combine childcare and work?
Notice too that all the qualities of being a good (or good enough) parent are not species-specific. If we really value mothering, shouldn't we recognize and respect the mother-child bond wherever it occurs? Take a look at any undercover footage of factory farming, and you'll see just how much we actually value mothering. Sadly, as with human mothering, not that much.
But veganism can change that. Does change that. And to end this post on a positive note, here's a video of a fabulous new mother, and a nod to two human dads who prove that nurturing, protecting and providing is everyone's job, although these two do it particularly well.
Hooray for you...for everything! :-)
I was just thinking about this caring stuff the other day, one of the bunnies who lives with us has a neurological problem with one back leg and can't get around at all. Part of caring means a butt bath daily. I've come to truly appreciate the self-nurturing (your word...a good one) aspects of caring for her. At first I dreaded it, now it is one of the best parts of the day (for me...she's not too happy about it...but tolerates it). The stuff about giving to get has more power than we often appreciate.
Give you a hug from me please. :-)
This is so well written and encompasses so much of so many things I have thought and felt myself. Thank you for putting it into words so well.
For reasons too many to go into, I will leave my thoughts about human mothering out of this. But I will say that it is so sad to me that our species is the one and only species that I know of that deprives other mothers and their children of their place as mother and child in so many different ways.
I've been having massive computer problems and the link you have on here isn't "blue", but I'm going to copy/paste it. I'm not on Facebook though so not sure I'll be able to see it, but thanks for sharing anyway because I'm sure it's well worth watching.
There's more I could write, but it wouldn't add anything to what you wrote so I will leave it at, this is a great post!
OH!!! I was hoping it might be Esther! Her family is so awesome!!! Thanks for the video!! I'm missing some of it as I type so I'll re-watch!!! :)
Hi Friend,
Ah yes, the subject of parenting-no great manual for that. We just all think that we will do a better job than our parents did. I am extremely fortunate to have been loved by a wonderful mom, who is never far from my thoughts. This is not the case for my father, who was not a good human being or husband or father. But yet, I grew up wanting to be a mother more than anything else in this world. And being a grandmother is an added bonus.
But parenting is not for everyone, that is for sure. I think it is a very unselfish act to make the decision not to have children if it is not right for oneself.
I believe that the violence we show to mothers and families of other species is as Dr Tuttle says, directly related to our meat eating culture of domination. We cannot be peaceful and loving and kind in our own lives when we are perpetrating such atrocities, whether we are perpetrating the abuse or paying for it.
Dr Tuttle goes on the say that the beginning of herding signaled the beginning of the subjugation of the Sacred Feminine and I think this is true. Women, Femininity and Motherhood used to be revered. Until we get back to that we can not expect any kind of viable peace on earth.
I met Esther's two dads at the First Annual Veg Fest in Montreal, QC, Canada this past September. The story of loving Esther and then becoming vegan the moment they sat down to another breakfast of bacon is life altering. The change was instantaneous and now they are developing a Farmed Animal Sanctuary in Ontario. This is heartwarming and beautiful. These stories give me hope.
Thank you for a very thoughtful post.
Take care.
Anne